Blu-ray Review: ‘Gods of Egypt’

It took right around a decade to convince Fox to bankroll “Deadpool.” When they finally agreed, they skimped on a modest $60 million budget. These facts are only being pointed out because a group of human beings at Lionsgate, presumably with functioning brains, doled out $140 million on “Gods of Egypt”, which is a movie that makes trash like “The Mummy” look like “Lawrence of Arabia.”

“Gods of Egypt” is the poster child for Hollywood run amok. From preposterous casting to cartoony special effects, it features virtually everything to dislike about big budget movie making…and Gerard Butler.

The entire premise of “Gods of Egypt” is based on exactly how ancient Egyptians saw the world. To the commoners, the Earth was flat and their leaders are their gods, who actually walk among them. Their current President/god of Egypt is Osiris (Bryan Brown), who is unprecedentedly handing his crown over to his son, Horus (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau).

Apparently, the normal process is that the Head God dies and then someone takes his place. Please ignore all the talk about how the gods are immortal as this would puncture the balloon that is the lackluster framework of “Gods of Egypt.”

This doesn’t sit too well with Osiris’ brother, Set (Gerard Butler). He shows up at Horus’ coronation, promptly murders Osiris, then rips out the main source of Horus’ power, his eyeballs. Set assumes control of Egypt, fires out an executive order that makes people have to buy their way into the afterlife, and makes life generally unpleasant for the common folk.

While Set is running around murdering all the remaining gods, Zaya (Courtney Eaton) convinces her boyfriend, Bek (Brenton Thwaites), to steal Horus’ eyes from Set. Since Zaya is conveniently a servant to Set’s architect, Urshu (Rufus Sewell), she has access to the plans for Set’s vault.

From there, “Gods of Egypt” proceeds to rip off “Raiders of the Lost Ark”, “Clash of the Titans”, and several other much, much better movies. Bek doesn’t believe in the power of the gods, so his eventual team-up with Horus leads to lots of bickering, some of which is almost amusing.

As this ancient Egyptian version of Murtaugh and Riggs run around fulfilling missions that one may see in a poorly made video game, they get help from Horus’ special lady friend, Hathor (Elodie Yung), and the god of knowledge, Thoth (Chadwick Boseman). They encounter the Sphinx, giant snakes ridden by sexy girls, and the god’s god, Ra (Geoffrey Rush, only on screen for a few minutes but making googly eyes for every one of them) and (spoiler alert) survive it all.

There’s no need to mince words: Gerard Butler is a terrible actor. He shouts and grins while strutting around like some goofy version of an alpha gorilla. His “300” performance is subtle compared to watching him chew up the virtual scenery in “Gods of Egypt.” He is also the only human being in the history of the world to be from Egypt and have a Scottish brogue.

Nikolaj Coster-Waldau can’t seem to find a role in which he gets to keep all his body parts. Sadly, he doesn’t make it through “Gods of Egypt” unscathed. He may luck out a bit as Butler is so wretched that Coster-Waldau’s own terrible performance goes unnoticed.

It’s hard to believe that Alex Proyas, director of “The Crow” and the criminally underrated “Dark City”, was the guy running this massive failure. Proyas hasn’t made anything remotely watchable in 18 years and “Gods of Egypt” is sure to be a financial disaster of epic proportions. If there ever was a final nail in the coffin of a career, this is it.Gods

Forget 2016. “Gods of Egypt” goes right on to the list of the worst movies ever. Never mind that all these so-called “Egyptians” have lily white skin. Even if this movie was accurately cast, it would be horrendous. If anything, the dopes behind this train wreck should have made this a 100% animated movie just as a cost cutting measure. At least that way, everyone would look like they belong from that area of the world.

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