The new ‘Ninja Turtles’ movie has almost all of these supposed problems (cliche’ villain, Megan Fox is a stupid choice for April, the world ending plan is a carbon copy of ‘The Avengers, etc.) and none of that crap makes a damn bit of difference as to whether or not the movie is good. There can be a mind numbing amount of visual effects, sexist outfits, action scenes, characters like Casey Jones that are nothing like I remember them, and I don’t care.
This crap is all the same nitpicking that was aimed towards ‘X-Men’ and ‘Batman V Superman’ to tear them apart for little reason. They are both decent and enjoyable times at the movies if you let their characters take you for the ride. They get you from point A to B and make logical sense in the terms of their created worlds. ‘Ninja Turtles’ fails that simple test and a number of other ones. It has some moments, but it’s mostly a total mess of a movie. Unless you are 10 years old and don’t give a damn (which you should).
The real problem with this movie is that almost nothing in it makes any sense. Every character seems to understand things that are way outside the grasp of their conception as if figuring out wormholes to other dimensions is a sound science. Other characters seem to have created devices to extract matter that nobody has ever seen before from objects that nobody has ever touched just sitting around. It’s laughably bad. You would think that Donatello had traveled the galaxy with Captain Kirk with the information he knows.
Then there’s Shredder and Krang’s hilariously video game like plan. The way they meet and plot to take over the world is insanely dumb. It’s like Krang (a talking brain) was sitting around waiting for Shredder to pop through a wormhole because he had randomly left some devices on earth to help him take over the world. Luckily, the perfect villain with the perfect scientist found the device at the perfect time. Then he gave Shredder the locations of the other random pieces he placed around the globe and we are off to the next set piece. It’s just all a bit too much even for a movie about talking turtles.
Still, not everything is bad. The turtles are animated and voice acted quite well. Much of the writing gets the dialogue between the brothers right. There are several jokes that are a perfect display of their humor (sadly, there are way more bad jokes). And there is one huge action sequence in Brazil that is a blast. Plus, kids will forgive all the narrative problems and it’s worth renting the movie for them down the line.
However, I can’t recommend the movie to adults. Not even adults who love these turtles. I am one of those adults. I love the turtles and can’t wait for them to get these characters just right some time. They did it when I was a kid. The first movie ever made about the turtles was wonderful! These knew ones could also do them justice with the right story. They got the turtles characters right. They got Rocksteady, Beebop, and Krang right in this movie. Now, they just need to recast April and give us a story that doesn’t insult our brain cells. Then both kids and adults can enjoy these endearing characters.
In stores on Tuesday, September 20th.
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